Evil’s Gopher

“And that’s why I decided to become a villain,” said Dr. Volkow as he reloaded his physics -defying pistol.

The superhero “Waveform”—whose real identity was Eric Hardwood—glowered from where he’d been tied to a column in an underground parking garage below the shopping district. The subterranean garage and the stores above had been evacuated when the criminal rampage began two hours ago. Oddly, Volkow hadn’t been involved in the actual rampage and didn’t seem to be associated with those who were. A few other tank-like villains with destructive dispositions were the prominent offenders; Volkow, on the other hand, caused different problems by retaining Waveform in the parking garage, away from the action.

Eric had to be honest. “I’m sorry, that was your worst monologue yet.”

“I know.” Volkow clicked the pistol into its specialized holster. “I didn’t practice.”

Being delayed by a villain who acted less and less like a super villain and more like a super nuisance was getting seriously annoying. “Because you practice. Right. In front of what, a mirror?”

“In front of Bonbon, my pet gopher.”

However, ever since the downtown incident, Eric found himself becoming warier and warier rather than angered and annoyed by the villain’s peculiar behavior. That’s not to say that Eric didn’t get angry and Volkow wasn’t still annoying. But something was off. Very off.

Eric said nothing for a long moment. “You rehearse in front of Bonbon.”

“My gopher, yes.”

“What, you’re too evil for a cat?”

“On the contrary,” said Volkow, looking at his watch, “I reject the idea of employing a creature more evil than me because I would run the risk of becoming the servant.”

“Cats aren’t actually evil.”

Volkow hissed in disagreement.

“My mom owns two—you’ve met them. They’re lazy. All they do is eat and sleep.”

Deep furrows of pity creased the criminal’s brow. “Then you have yet to discover their true intentions.”

“Okay, fine, if I’m going to be stuck here with you then you might as well tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“Why do you have a gopher? Why have a pet at all? What if you get arrested? Or die? Do you have someone to take care of it if something happens to you?”

“Bless you, Eric, but that isn’t necessary. Bonbon is an outdoor gopher.”

“Even if he lives in a hutch—.”

“He lives in my yard. I feed him and his expanding family and they in turn unleash their fury on the neighbors’ yards. It’s beautiful, really.”

Surprise, confusion, and vexation clashed in a single aggravated expression on Eric’s face.

Volkow looked at his watch again.

“You keep looking at your watch, what are you waiting for?” Then Eric mocked, “Are you waiting for your new sidekick Bonbon to show up before you begin the whatever main event you have planned?”

Frowning, Volkow considered him. “Are you okay? Because you’re starting to sound a little crazy.”


Author’s Note: I like this as a standalone scene between Eric/Waveform and Dr. Volkow which means I had to share it. Yes, it fits in the Volkow/Waveform story timeline and it happens before the other previously published scenes. A nice prequel scene.

Author’s Other Note: If you’re new here and are wondering who the heck these weirdos are, the scene called Evil’s Plan is where I first introduced them.

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